Many times I’ve noticed that other children will just approach me wanting to touch me. I assume they sense something good in me that they want to be near. Something they feel safe around. It’s uncanny, but it happens too often to be coincidence. The other day we were riding in an elevator and there came on a father with his handicapped daughter in a wheelchair and she reached right out for my hand to touch me. (I always want to reach back but I worry what that father would think about me touching his kid in any way.) But, I always smile and want to kneel and take the hand and say, I bless your spirit – after all, she reached for me – she initiated the contact. I almost feel like I’m being rude, like I’m not returning a handshake.
I wish I could treat my family with this same instantaneous, spontaneous love and acceptance I feel compelled to give to these other children. Why do I act outside myself when I’m outside my house? Is that why I can’t respond to my family this way because when I’m home I want to do things for myself but I can’t because these people I’m supposed to love are here too! I can’t ever be alone to do what I want to do. Will I ever get to the point where I don’t want to do anything for myself so I can really be available to everybody else and not have this conflict? It would be great if they wanted me to be the person I am so I could do what I want to do, but they all want me to be what they need me to be for them, not what I want to be for me. I do like being what they need. I do like being the person they need me to be, but if that’s all I am, then who am I? Do I not need an identity? Is Christ my new identity?
No comments:
Post a Comment