Are You In Their Corner?

“Discipline is helping a child solve a problem.  Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem.  To raise problem solvers, focus on solutions, not retribution.” ~L.R. Knost

I’ve been reading many similar sentiments from Dr. Henry Cloud lately - including (but not limited to) his new book, "The Power Of The Other," where he describes the four corners of relationships.  Don’t be mad at people – especially children and I suppose your spouse – for doing something wrong… they are just coming up against a problem they don’t know how to solve in the right way.  A child hits because they are frustrated and don’t know how to cope.  A spouse may be inconsistent or inconsiderate because they don’t know that it is hurtful, or they may get angry and yell because they, too, might be frustrated and don’t know how to cope.  Help them, don’t add to their problem by making them feel bad on top of everything else.  They are already feeling bad because they can’t solve their problem.  They need a Corner Four person in their life and in their corner, giving them positive feedback – maybe even giving them a Communication Sandwich (where you share with them some positive things about them, give them one point that you see they could work on to improve, and then finish with more positive feedback).  Science proves that people thrive more with positive feedback than with negative.

“Research has shown that the brain responds best to a ratio of five positive feedback messages for every negative message.  In business research, the best ratio is actually six to one.  The highest performers get an almost six-to-one ratio of positive to negative feedback, but the lowest performers’ mix is almost the opposite, a ratio of one to three.  The people who perform best are hearing six positives for every negative, while the worst performers are getting three times more negatives than positives.  For sure the negative is needed – we need to know how to get better – but in the right ratio and tone for the brain to use it.” ~Dr. Henry Cloud, “The Power Of The Other.”

So, even if people aren’t getting a problem solved in their life, you can be that Corner Four person who helps them thrive in many areas and maybe – just by pouring your power, time, attention, wisdom, patience, etc., into them, they will be able to solve their problems “on their own” without any direct consideration of their issues from you.

It reminds me of how God has set up Prayer.  The more you pray for something, anything, the more the devil hates it.  If you keep praying for one specific thing such as for health and protection for your spouse or kids, over and over, every time something bad or annoying happens to you, (you hear the whistle blow at work, when your alarm goes off, when the phone rings, when your kids fight, when you or others are late, when you stub your toe, when something breaks), the devil will try to do whatever he can to solve your problems for you – just so you stop praying.  It’s called Prayer Trigger/Prayer Target, and it works.  You could be praying for health for your children, and you realize that annoying phone isn’t ringing as often.

The same thing works with Corner Four relationships.  You build up a person in one way – just encouraging them, telling them they look nice every day – and you may begin to see positive changes in them that are totally unrelated to the way they look, and that thing they did that used to annoy you so much, has “somehow” fixed itself!

You can do something about that annoying person in your life.  You can affect real, positive change in another’s life by simply becoming their go-to Corner Four person!  Love them, and that person will, more than likely, eventually change everything about themselves for the better, with many of their bad habits, addictions, and frustrations just falling away from their life.